A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”
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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
“I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,”Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”
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1. Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
2. Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
3. Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
4. Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
5. Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
6. Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
7. Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
8. Doctors’ Law:
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
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In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers were talking about reincarnation.
One teacher remarked, “If there’s anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I’d like to come back as.”
“Oh, tell us what,” said a couple of colleagues.
“I’d like to come back,” said the teacher, “as a childhood disease.”
..............SENIOR CITIZENS - THEN NOW...
1. Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction.
2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Parkinson's Disease.
3. Constant smiling.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Bell's Palsy.
4. Absent mindedness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Early Onset of Alzheimer's Disease.
5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when she calls or comes over.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Multiple Sclerosis.
6. Inability to stop thinking about her.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
7. Bruising on neck, and other tender areas.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Leukemia.
8. Insomnia.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia.
9. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel her when not in her presence.
Symptoms then: Love.
Prognosis now: Schizophrenia!,,